What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 04:39
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
When she asked me how she looked .
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What did i know ?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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So, i spoilt her more .
It was going to be , some day.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But it wasn’t much.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Which is better, a naked picture of some one you know or porn videos?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We were not on the streets..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im still living with it.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She was in good health!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I think the readers, may guess!
But, we were locked up after school.
We all went to grammer schools
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
All the time i was locked up.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was very sick at this time too.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He resisted the act ,that day.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Especially a lifetime of it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I waited trembling.
My family never makes their pension either.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Comes on , in middle age.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She loved him until the end.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I said to her
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Who then, do I blame.?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
So whats the point in blame.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was 9 years of age.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Ive learnt so much.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She married twice! .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I will be 64.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And i lived it daily.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I have no regrets .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
(And it was in our own minds.)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Would this be the day?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As i do to all so called friends.?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Put me off passion for life!!
Why did i forgive my father ?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I don,t even have a pension.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He knew the spot.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One cannot live in the past .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She found it foreign!.
I was seconnd youngest,
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Was to survive, this bastard.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My life is so biszare .
She wouldn,t have been !
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I write beautiful poetry .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was scared of men, in general
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
This is soul school!.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!